Chapter Text
The Jamie Protection Squad effectively got Jamie onto the bus safely and without notice. He slumped into the aisle seat with his hood up and Jan next to him as they pulled out of Richmond. They were just going to Southampton. An hour and a half at most but Jamie still pulled on his headphones and leant against Jan’s side to have a doze. They were fine on the coach. Jan had always enjoyed being a passenger on any form of transport. It was a strange liminal space. You weren’t in the place you had left but you hadn’t arrived in the place you were going to. It was peaceful. Jamie was clearly finding it the same with the speed that he dozed off. With his phone off and the whole team protecting him, this coach journey was probably one of the few places Jamie did feel safe right now. He still didn’t have a phone. No one could get onto the coach. Jamie could rest.
The journey flew by. Jan got a couple of chapters of his book read before they were approaching St Mary’s. Then Jan spotted Ted’s face. He was up the front of the bus whispering something to Roy and looking like one wrong move over a pothole might have him losing his lunch. Something was wrong. Roy growled, no additional clues there, and then pointed for Jan to come up to the front of the bus. Jamie was still fast asleep and it didn’t take much to lay his head backwards and clamber over after extracting a promise from O’Brian to keep an eye on him. “What’s gone wrong?” Jan asked as soon as he was in the aisle by Roy’s seat.
“Ah it seems like you are one jump ahead of the sword as always there Jan. We do have a problem,” Ted muttered, looking like he would crawl out of his skin if he could.
“There’s only one way in that is big enough to fit the coach. And the crowd knows it. Police are trying to hold them back as always and they won’t be permitted through the gates but its an opening for something to happen,” Roy explained, the frustration clear to see in his glare. And Jan knew he would be showing the same impression. They had promised Jamie safety. It wasn’t big but it was a window for something to happen. However at this point if they let Jamie out of the coach he would be even more at risk. They just needed to push through. They needed to get into the ground and then they could relax. Jan nodded and Roy nodded back. “We push through. Jan sit with Jamie, don’t let him anywhere near the window,” Roy ordered, and waved to Kenneth to keep them driving. Jan slid back into his seat. Jamie was awake but blinking blurry as Jan clambered over him.
“We here?” he whispered, words slurring together even more than they usually did.
“Yeah we’re just pulling in. The press is a lot. Fans here wanting to see you and what’s going on,” Jan explained. He didn’t explain that they were all very sure that Jamie’s stalker would be in that crowd. He didn’t need to, based on the little downturn of the corner of Jamie’s lip, Jamie had worked that one out for himself.
“I thought we were trying to be all spy like?” he sighed.
“Yes but even James Bond doesn’t get it right all the time,” Jan smiled.
“He f*cks up quite a lot really,” Jamie was looking more and more awake by the minute, lulled into wakefulness by conversation about James Bond. He tucked his legs up to his chest, effectively pretzeling his body into the confined space in a way that could not be comfortable. “Like he always gets caught and sh*t.”
“The films would be very dull if he just snuck in a fixed the problem without anyone noticing every time,” Jan commented and Jamie shrugged.
“We should watch James Bond films for film night next time,” Jamie smiled, “hey Ted!”
Ted startled, turning around rapidly with an initial look of panic but then exhaling that tension away as Jamie leant round the chair smiling. “What’s up kiddo?”
“Next film night, From Russia with Love!” Jamie yelled, and there was a ripple of agreement down the coach.
“Well that there sounds like a mighty fine idea to me. Bit of a divergence from …” Ted was silenced by an almighty crash. Jan’s ears were wringing as he shielded his head, turned and unintentionally drapping himself over Jamie. The cracked window was still quivering from the brick that had been launched in Jan’s direction. As his senses returned to him, voices of shouting from outside cut through the stunned silence on the inside of the bus. Jamie’s breath was heaving as he remained fixed in place.
“Is everyone ok?” Roy yelled down the bus. There was a faint ripple of confirmation. The shouts from outside were growing louder but right now that didn’t matter. Jamie was shaking pressed back as far as he could in the seat as if he wished it would swallow him whole. “Jan!” Roy yelled.
“Yes, yes we are ok,” he coughed, clearing the shock out of his throat and sitting up. Jan rested his hand on Jamie’s shoulder softly to check he hadn’t hurt Jamie in his haste to protect him. He expected Jamie to startle. Jamie didn’t and Jan didn’t know if that was better or worse than the alternative.
“Ok, we’re through and security is here. No hanging around. We get off the bus and into the away changing room,” Roy marshalled the team into order. Jan hadn’t even noticed they had started moving. Jamie was sat staring through Jan towards the cracked window, uncaring of everything else. It was a frenzy of people packing away their stuff and Will thankfully grabbed both Jan and Jamie’s travel bags. Jan unclipped Jamie’s belt but the only movement was still the shaking of every limb.
“We’ll be in soon,” Jan stated, tone brokering no arguments as Will lingered in the door way of the bus. His eyes were wide and uncertain as he worried his bottom lip still staring at Jamie. But then he was gone, in a flash. Jamie hadn’t moved in all of the hustle and bustle. He was still awake, his eyes were darting and chest was heaving but he wasn’t there. He was hiding in his head somewhere until the threat was gone and then he could lick his wounds but the threat was gone. It was never really a threat at all with Jan between Jamie and the window but Jamie’s freeze response had no way of knowing that he guessed. “Jamie?” Jan whispered, turning in his seat to tuck Jamie’s malleable body against his chest instead of his shoulder. Skin to skin contact, that’s what all the medical articles he had read those days where Jamie was refusing to leave his room had said. Calm and slow. Jan could do calm and slow. Jamie’s head lolled, forehead resting directly over Jan’s heart, and each ragged breath was catching in an imaginary obstruction in his throat. Jan fumbled around in his bag with the hand that wasn’t cupping the back of Jamie’s neck and draped his spare hoodie over Jamie’s back. Even as it lay just around Jamie’s frame it made Jamie look like a kid who had stolen his big brother’s clothes. “I’ve got you. There’s no one here but us,” Jan whispered, his fingers moving up to card through Jamie’s hair and scratch at his scalp. “We can stay here as long as you need to,” he continued the stream of inane platitudes. Jamie began to shaking in his grip and the sound of his rasping breaths echoed around the otherwise silent coach. Jan kept up the contact with his hand cupping the back of Jamie’s head but picked up his hand with the other. Sensation, remind him he was in his body, that he had a body. Slowly and tentatively, he squeezed ever finger pad still whispering as he went.
By the time he got to the pointer finger on the second hand, Jamie whispered a tiny timid, “ow.” The type of ow that you just say even when something doesn’t hurt.
“Are you back with us?” Jan asked, just allowing Jamie’s hand to rest in his.
“No,” Jamie muttered, burrowing himself deeper into Jan’s hoodie and his grip. Jan huffed a laugh, his chest shaking and Jamie moving with the touch.
“That’s a shame,” Jan sighed, keeping up with the soothing touches in Jamie’s hair even now they were not really needed. They continued to sit in silence. Jan’s limbs were starting to ache from being in the same position for so long but Jamie was dictating the pace here. Jamie’s free hand gripped onto the fabric of Jan’s tshirt over his stomach. His breathing started to even out and match Jan’s beat for beat. Jan closed his eyes and rested his chin on the top of Jamie’s head. They had time.
“Ok I think we can move now,” Jamie eventually whispered. Jan uncurled himself from around Jamie and gave him an appraising once over. “I’m fine,” Jamie sighed, shuffling away from Jan. He got to his feet like a baby giraffe learning what his legs were but after every joint had clicked with a thorough stretch and groan, he grabbed his little bag and gave Jan a nod. Jan also stumbled and cracked out the crick in his neck before looking through the refracted image in the cracked window. The press had given up, there was a couple of security waiting for them but otherwise it was quiet. Jan had no idea where Kenneth had f*cked off to but at least he had left the keys in the engine, so Jan didn’t have to break the windows to get out.
Their walk to the changing room was quiet thankfully and Jan and Jamie were able to walk in without hassle. “Can you play?” Roy asked as soon as Jamie walked into the changing room. Jamie was met with awkward silence as Jan tailed him through the door.
“Yes,” Jamie nodded, sitting down at an available spot in the corner furthest away from the door. Jan elected to not point out how significant that positioning was and just sat down at the one Jamie had walked past, by the door.
Roy grunted and nodded, before returning to lean on the wall by Beard.
“Well, you certainly don’t have to there buckaroo. This team is a well oiled machine and one that can survive without their central cog for a game if it’s your machine that needs a little tlc,” Ted rambled, looking between Roy and Jamie as if that conversation did not contain all the words it needed to.
Jamie stared at Ted for a moment and he looked so tired. His whole body posture screamed frustration but also a bone deep apathy. It was as if that meltdown on the bus had drained from him but had taken any care about himself or the situation with it. He was a shell but he was a shell that wanted to go out there and do his job. Jan slowly stood up but Jamie had found his voice again by the time Jan was ready to intervene. “I can play,” short, simple, curt and to the point.
“Jamie,” Ted began again but was silenced by Beard clearing his throat and slowly shaking his head. “Well, I guess I better get with the times and give the program my regards.”
Jamie nodded and started to move through his usual motions, the repetitive things that all footballers needed to feel good about going on the pitch. Jan just hoped Jamie’s belief he was fine was correct.
Jamie was not correct. He was not fine. And everything was going to sh*t.
They went one down early. The whole situation with Jamie and with the brain had rattled them all and Jamie was playing a beat slower than everyone was expecting. He was tripping over the ball, getting it robbed from his feet and too slow to turn to chase the ball back. Ted and the coaching staff were having the upmost patience with Jamie but he was actively making the team worse. If Jan had been on the sideline and in Ted’s shoes he would have pulled Jamie by now. Bumbercatch could move centrally as he had been training alongside Jamie, and Dawkins was a good enough midfielder. But Ted always had faith, sometimes to their detriment. Colin got clattered by the big Southampton centre back and was sprawled winded on the floor. He was fine but he was gifting them some much needed breathing time as he rolled on the floor whining to the medics. Jamie stood about a few metres away from Colin like a forlorn statue staring into the distance. Jan moved towards him but Sam was there before Jan could travel into midfield. Jamie froze, tension holding him upright like the strings on a wooden puppet. Sam wrapped him up, one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his lower back and cheeks pressed together. Jamie slumped into Sam’s hold, trusting his friend to hold him and keep him upright. Jan could hear them both whispering but stayed looming like a bodyguard as Jamie let everything out. Isaac was over talking to both Roy and Ted and Jan could swear he saw Roy gesture to Colin to keep complaining about his hip. What was going on?
Isaac jogged over and Jan grabbed his elbow. Colin was limping to his feet. The Southampton players were surrounding and hassling the ref to try and get Colin off the pitch faster but he was hopping new, fully equipped with a sh*t stirring grin. “What is happening?” Jan hissed. Sam and Jamie were now forehead to forehead. Jamie’s eyes were squeezed shut through Sam’s pep talk.
“The police found Will who then told Ted. Jamie’s stalker’s been locked up. It was her who threw the brick and they got her. Confessed to everything,” Isaac rambled, shaking off Jan’s grip.
It was over.
It was really over.
Jan sighed, smiling as he looked over at Jamie receiving the news. Colin had finally made it off the pitch as Jamie’s eyes widened and his jaw slackened.
“Can you play?” Jan asked again, unable to hide his own smile.
“f*ck yeah.”
Jamie played the second half like a man possessed. They won 3-1 with a Jamie Tartt brace and a Jan headed in goal from a Jamie free kick. It was a masterclass. Southampton didn’t know what had hit them. The bus back was a party all the way. Jamie was running on fumed and the bags under his eyes would have had to have been checked in if they were flying home. But despite all that he was up and dancing with the rest of them. Each greyhound gave Jamie a hug as they left the bus and migrated to their own cars for the night.
“I guess, I don’t need to keeping hiding now,” Jamie sighed loudly. Jan paused and turned on his heels to face back at his teammate. His hands were hooked in the neck of his hoodie, pulling down on it and the drawstring was hanging loosely from his mouth. “Like, she’s been arrested ain’t she so I can go home,” he shrugged, toe scuffing against the concrete.
“If you have something to ask Jamie then ask it. We all have better things to do rather than waiting for you to articulate your thoughts in such a roundabout way,” Jan asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“You’ll want me to move out now won’t ya?” Jamie’s lips downturned as he looked over Jan’s shoulder.
Now it was Jan’s turn to sigh, “you can if you want to. But I didn’t tell you to.”
Jamie shuffled again from foot to foot before finally catching Jan’s eye. “And if I didn’t want to move out? I mean, like I moved a lot of my stuff in when all this started and like my house is well big and kinda lonely like I never moved back in last time,” he continued to ramble.
“My house is lonely too,” Jan interrupted him. Jamie paused, eyebrows raised and mouth open like he was planning on continuing before Jan blindsided him.
“Really?”
“We’ve been through this Jamie. I don’t lie, or mince words,” Jan nodded towards his car and set off walking again. Jamie stumbled with his first step, all the stress being released from his body had taken it’s toll on Jamie. And he had played a full 90 earlier in the day as wall. No wonder he was tired. He needed to get home. But not to his house.
“I can stay, you know for good?” Jamie asked as he trailed behind Jan, getting into the passenger seat on autopilot. Jan slid into the drivers seat but just sat rolling his keys between his fingers instead of getting started on their way for a much needed snack and nap.
“I’ve never lived on my own before,” Jan confessed, noting the brief inhale of surprise. “When I was at the academy at Feyenoord I lived with my auntie who had a flat in the city and then when I got my pro contract I moved in with a couple of my teammates,” he explained.
“And that was good? Living with your teammates?” Jamie asked.
“It was excellent. We understood what each other was going through in the high stress environment. We knew each other’s schedules and diet plans and work out plans and it was much better than going back to an empty house at the end of the day,” Jan turned to fully face Jamie and to study what he was feeling. He was curled up, leaning back into the seat as if it could absorb him into it’s lining. But he looked hopeful not repulsed, which was promising. Because Jan did want this. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was until he let Jamie into his space. Of course he had the team and that was great but they all left the club or the gathering and then went back to their lives. He wanted to have someone in his space that appreciated his way of being and Jamie had slotted into that gap without trying.
“I get a bit stir crazy in the silence,” Jamie sighed eventually. “Like if there isn’t some noise then my just won’t like stop,” he rambled. Jan nodded, willing him with their eye contact to keep going. “Having an empty house just makes me want to scream to fill the emptiness,” he chuckled, lip twitching.
“You can stay if you want,” Jan prompted.
“I really would,” Jamie’s little smile turned into a grin. “Knew you found me irresistible. Let me in once and you’ll never be able to go back,” he stuck his tongue out. Jan turned the car on and started to drive towards their home. Their home, that sounded right.
As soon as the door closed, all the tension seeped out of Jamie. The danger was on the other side of that door and now he was home it was clear he could just be. Unfortunately that stoic tension seemed to be the only thing that was keeping Jamie upright and coherent throughout the ride home. His bag thumped onto the floor next to the shoe rack and Jamie fell back against the door with his face in his hands. Before Jan could make it back, Jamie was shaking and whispering something to himself that was muffled by his hands shielding himself from view. “Jamie?” Jan frowned, waiting at the end of the corridor.
“There’s nothing here, there’s nothing here any more so why am I so tired?” Jamie slumped down to sit with his back flush against the door, knees tucked to his chest, and head perilously close to hitting on the letterbox.
“It’s all the stress leaving you. You’ve played a full ninety after being on complete alert for days, weeks even. But now you don’t have to be. Your body is telling you this is home, this is safe so you can let it all go Jamie,” Jan shuffled back and dropped down to sit next to Jamie. He did hit his head on the letterbox but the muffled chuckle at his groan was worth it. “You can let it all go,” Jan whispered, tilting Jamie’s head to rest on his shoulder.
And Jamie started to cry.
It came in waves of misery and anguish. Some waves there were words explaining how stupid all this was and how could someone think this was a good idea or way to treat someone you supposedly loved. Some waves the despair was paired with fury with Jamie ranting about how this had been allowed to happen. Jan hummed and nodded at regular points and pretended not to notice his shoulder getting wetter and wetter.
“We should get you to bed,” Jan sighed, squeezing Jamie’s knee when his breathing evened out. He would have preferred to get some food into Jamie but it likely wouldn’t help the way Jamie was dosing off again against his shoulder. Jamie nodded, accepting the Lucozade out of Jan’s discarded bag even though his nose wrinkled in displeasure at the flavour. “Of course,” he muttered under his breath.
“What’s wrong with it?” Jan huffed and rolled his eyes.
“What sort of f*cking flavour is blue?” Jamie grumbled, but behaved and drank it anyway.
“It’s tropical,” Jan pulled Jamie to his feet and anchored his arm around Jamie’s waist so they both wouldn’t go tumbling to the floor again.
“Then why isn’t it yellow? Like pineapples?” Jamie continued to whine as they competed in what felt like the world’s slowest three legged race.
“Because of the …”
“Or mangoes!” Jamie blurted out.
“Because of the artificial colourants,” Jan replied in haste before Jamie came up with any more yellow tropical fruits.
“Well that’s stupid,” he huffed but the empty bottle was thrown into the recycling on the way past.
Navigating the stairs wasn’t the easiest with Jamie’s brain operating on outdated software to control his legs but Jan managed to wrangle his shoes, jacket and trousers off and him under the covers. “Jan,” Jamie whispered. He was flat on his back in the middle of the bed with the covers tucked up up to his chin. His hair was sticking up at all angles making him look as young as the sad puppy dog eyes he was currently wielding. “You said to ask if I wanted anything right?” he was barely audible.
“I did,” Jan nodded, he could guess where this was going but Jamie needed to be the one to ask.
“Could you stay? Just like until I’m asleep. I, it,” Jamie groaned in frustration, “It don’t feel real yet.”
“Of course,” Jan smiled softly. “Move over then,” he waved, pulling off his own jacket and shoes.
“Oh you don’t need,” Jamie’s eyes widened. Yet he still followed the instruction to move over and loosened his grip on the covers.
“I’ll be more comfortable this way,” Jan commented as he shuffled under the covers. Despite his initial hesitation, as soon as cuddling was a possibility Jamie wriggled about and got himself comfortable. His body was pressed up against Jan’s like penguins huddling for warmth and his head laying on Jan’s chest.
“Thanks,” Jamie murmured as Jan carded his fingers through Jamie’s hair, itching his scalp in a way that made him sigh and his leg twitch.
“Any time,” Jan replied, the promise simple but no less meaningful. Jamie’s eyes drifted closed, and his breathing started to even out.
“Or passion fruit,” Jamie muttered in his last throes of wakefulness.
“What?”
“Another yellow tropical fruit.”
